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No "Ifs," "Ands" or "Buts"
Overcoming Disagreements during Pregnancy
By Katherine Bontrager
Don't know where to begin to find that coveted middle ground? Dr. Susan Fletcher, a practicing psychologist and author of the book Parenting in the Smart Zone (Smart Zone Productions, 2005), says there are three steps that can help couples talk their way through sticky situations. "I call it the Smart Sandwich," Dr. Fletcher says. "If a couple is arguing about where to spend their newborn's first Thanksgiving, the conversation can go something like this:
Step One (the top bun): Gently broach the subject, acknowledging that you're familiar with your partner's point of view:
"Honey, I know that you've always planned to spend every Thanksgiving with your parents out of town and that it's difficult for you to see spending our son's first Thanksgiving anywhere else."
Step Two (the meat): Next get to the "meat" or purpose of the discussion:
"I'd like to see us spend our son's first Thanksgiving here in our home so we can begin to establish traditions that are for our family using what each of us loved as a kid growing up."
Step Three (the bottom bun): Then offer ideas that might lead to an agreement – without focusing on the negative. Solution-oriented conversations focus on ways to solve the problems and have a greater chance of maintaining the good things present in a relationship. Problem-focused conversations typically involve defensiveness and put downs, which fuel hot topics into unsolvable problems:
"I was thinking that your parents might want to come here this year for Thanksgiving, and we could all cook dinner together. Being here for Thanksgiving will also give us the chance to fully enjoy the holidays since we wouldn't be so rushed to travel, especially with a baby."
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