quick clicks

pregnancy today articles

pregnancy today q&a

message boards

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

No "Ifs," "Ands" or "Buts"

Overcoming Disagreements during Pregnancy

By Katherine Bontrager

Consider (the seasoning that keeps it together): Use the word "and" between each of the three steps rather than the word "but." There's no place for "but" in a conversation because it just encourages defensiveness and makes you focus on problems rather than solutions. For example, listen to the difference in saying, "Honey, I really like the name Cornelius for our first child but it makes it sound like our son is 50 years old," and "Honey, I really like the name Cornelius for our child, and I'd like us to look at other names that might not be so traditional." In the "but" conversation, you're encouraging a discussion about the 50 reasons that the name is not "old." In the "and" conversation, you're more likely to be heard and are promoting a conversation about other options.

Fletcher says couples must strive to have disagreements while maintaining an environment of mutual respect and likeability. Remember that for most, getting ready for the birth of a child can be scary.

"It's such an awesome responsibility with so many unknowns," she says. "Fear and anger look very much the same. Sometimes you might think the person is angry when really he or she is afraid – the difference is hard to see. Try responding to what appears to be anger in your spouse as if it really was about something he or she is afraid of. Many times that's enough to temper the hotness of the topic so productive communication is possible."

In the end, you're about to embark upon unfamiliar territory, and it's always more comforting having supportive company along the way. By learning to solve problems as a team, with each partner concerned about the other's wants and needs and knowing how to communicate deeper feelings, your relationship will develop a sense of shared intimacy that makes it inseparable.

Want to see more?

• Fight Fair: Don't Argue in Front of Your Kids
• Grunts, Snarls and Verbal Abuse: How to Break the Silence and Poor Communication Patterns
• Early Communications: Decoding Your Premature Baby's Signals
• Talk about it!