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Engagement vs. Engorgement
The Expectant Father's Pop Quiz
By I. J. Schecter
Expulsion
a) When the baby comes out.
b) When you're kicked out of the delivery room.
Crowning
a) When the top of the baby's head first pokes out of the vagina.
b) The feeling of omnipotence you have upon realizing your sperm has produced a human being.
Contraction
a) A tightening of the uterine muscles.
b) A fancy word for "contract."
Braxton Hicks Contractions
a) False labor pains.
b) The muscular twitches you get watching a Toni Braxton video.
Hypotension
a) Low blood pressure.
b) Slang for hypertension.
Apgar Test
a) A method of rating the condition of a newborn.
b) A method of rating the likelihood of you fainting in the delivery room.
Enema
a) A washing out of the rectum.
b) The least popular girl's name of all time.
Hymen
a) A membrane covering the vaginal opening.
b) The least popular boy's name of all time.
Dilation
a) Expansion of the cervix to allow the baby to pass through.
b) The feelng of wanting to phone everyone you know as soon as the baby arrives.
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