I choose to breastfeed my baby who is due, because of the positive experience that I had breastfeeding my son. My pregnancy was difficult for me, not as difficult as some mothers, but hard nonetheless. I was 19 years old, had only been married nine months when I found out that my pill had a hiccup and I was pregnant. I was living far away from home, stationed at a Naval Air Station with my sailor husband. I had been planning as soon as I returned to California to continue my education. A child would jeopardize those plans. But there was no decision to make as far as whether I would have the child or not.

I was sick the entire pregnancy -- morning, noon and night sickness. Far from home, with a husband who was gone most of the time, at school or on duty, I felt isolated and alone. My inability to hold down food, and my constant weight loss was a concern of the doctors. I felt at a loss for what to do, and was depressed through out my entire pregnancy. I was constantly degrading myself for my inability to handle pregnancy, being alone and keeping up a household. In hindsight, I realized that it was not all my fault, I was too ill to do it all at that time.

When I reached my eighth month of pregnancy, my husband received orders to California. I was so happy. I arranged to move in with my parents until the baby was born. The only problem was getting the car from Tennessee to California. So, eight months pregnant with my cat, I drove from Tennessee to California. It took forever, and I was constantly nauseated. I suffered from swollen feet, ankles and hands. Just more misery piled on top of what I already had. Upon reaching my parents' house, I thought everything would be fine. And to a point I was right. That last month was the best of all, except for the normal pregnancy maladies.

My labor and delivery were traumatic at best. I underwent an external version, where they manually turn a breech baby -- that was very painful. Once again degrading myself, I endured 12 hours of Pitocin with no pain medication, thinking I was a failure if I relied on medication. After 24 hours of labor I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. While recovering, the doctor reprimanded me for not getting up and walking around. My first attempt to stand ended in me in a heap on the floor. My right leg could not support my weight. I had damaged a nerve in my hip, making it impossible to stand or walk. I was thus disabled for the first month of my son's life. I was unable to bathe, dress or diaper my own son. But there was one thing I could do, that no one else could: I could give him the best possible start in life -- I could breastfeed him.

And that I did. He latched on well, and we never had a single problem with his breastfeeding. This was one thing I could do right, and I needed it at that time. Some of my doubts about my own abilities started to fade at that point, I knew at least my baby wouldn't starve! Being able to breastfeed my son helped me cope with all the other things I viewed as failures, it wasn't my fault that I was ill, or couldn't be a Supermom. The refusal of pain medication was only torturing myself, and did nothing to improve me situation. I could do this, for now with help, but later on my own. Breastfeeding restored my confidence in myself. And was not small part in my son being a happy, healthy baby.

It took months of physical therapy before I was able to walk without assistance. I moved out of my parent's house when my son was 2 months old, though I still was unable to do many things. My only true goals were to keep my son and I fed, happy and safe, all else was secondary. These goals I met, with the help of breastfeeding relieving me of the necessity of mixing formula.

As I look back now, I can't imagine being how low my self-esteem was during that pregnancy. Here 10 years later, I know that no one is perfect, and you do the best you can. And I know the best I can do is to breastfeed my baby. And since I am working on my degree in Psychology, finishing what I started before my son was born, I know that there is nothing I can do better then to believe in myself and my ability to take care of me and my baby.

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