Divorce is never easy on a family. Perhaps the most high-profile former couple who has made a positive situation out of a negative one are Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Their highly publicized extended-family holidays and vacations have shown how cooperation between former spouses can benefit everyone, children and adults alike.

While it may be unclear exactly how toddlers and infants are affected by divorce (or separation in the case of unmarried couples), common sense says that breaking up a family can be traumatic even to the youngest child.

"Infants and toddlers are affected by divorce, but they show their emotions and reactions differently than children or adolescents would," says Suzy Yehl Marta, founder and CEO of Rainbows For All Children, an organization that supports children through divorce. "At the age of 2 years old and younger, they can already understand when their environment and routines are changed, which frequently happens during or after a divorce. They are aware that someone close to them is not around. Consequently, they are confused. Some of the warning signs for this age group are disturbed sleeping patterns, eating changes, clinging to the parent or increased tiredness. Between 18 months to 2 years, other reaction signs are biting, hitting, frequently asking for the parent who isn't there, etc."

What many parents don't realize is that divorce doesn't make raising happy, well-adjusted children impossible. "My experience has been it is not the divorce that destroys the child, it's how the divorced parents rebuild two healthy family structures where their child will thrive," says Marta, author of Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope (Rodale Press, 2003). "When parents work together, focused and attentive on their child's needs and emotional well-being, their child will adjust well to the divorce and more easily incorporate it into their personal tapestry."

In the path toward a positive divorce, the most important thing is putting the children first, no matter how difficult. Putting the child first may mean putting aside your own feelings about your spouse, about past marital difficulties, even about what you thought it meant to be a good parent. This may mean sacrifices.

"I split custody with my ex-husband," says Jessica Beard a mom from Rome, Ga., who separated from her husband when her son was 1 1/2 years old. For a while they continued living together, but eventually moved to separate homes. "He gets Aidan half the week and I get him half the week. I hate it! I miss my son every week and it hasn't got any easier five years later." Deciding not to fight to decrease visitation was solely based on what was best for her son.

Other compromises may not be typical. Some couples choose to continue to live in the same home for a while after the separation. Some may work out ways for the noncustodial parent to see the child on a daily basis or maintain similar routines in both households.

"For the first six months after our separation, rather than immediately go to an every-other-weekend schedule, we split each weekend," says Jessica Bram, author of Happily Ever After Divorce: Notes of a Joyful Journey (Health Communications, 2009). "That way the children would not be away from me more than 24 hours at a time, and their father 48 hours, since he also saw them mid-week. This eased the transition. Only after six months did we go to the more typical every other weekend schedule." Because their youngest was still a baby, he slept at his father's house only on weekends, later transitioning to spending lunchtime with Dad once a week when he was in preschool.

Civility between exes also helps. "My ex and I have frequently done holidays together so the kids see that not only can we both be with them on an important event but also to demonstrate our willingness to put our own feelings aside for that of the family," says Shelley Stile, a divorce recovery life coach in Upper Montclair, N.J.

Perhaps the key to a positive divorce is communication between spouses. "It's always best if the parents can decide [on] a workable agreement for co-parenting after the divorce, rather than have the court decide it," says Marta. "This means they view each other as good business partners in raising their child. While they might not have been good spouses to each other, they remain their child's mom and dad."

Beard feels she and her ex worked harder at divorce than at marriage. "Very shortly after the divorce, we started having 'meetings,'" she says. "We would schedule a meeting at a neutral location (usually a restaurant or coffee shop) to talk about Aidan and what was going on and to work out our schedule. It was at these meetings that we would try to discuss our differences so that it wasn't in front of Aidan and we were both trying to be level-headed, rational adults."

While communicating without emotion may seem impossible, setting down some ground rules can make things easier. "When crafting an agreement that would govern [our children's] custodial arrangements, we tried only to keep in mind one guiding principle: What is best for the children?" says Bram. "Not 'what do I want?' or 'what does he want' or 'when do I want them to be with me so that I won't be lonely?' or 'when do I want time off?' Only: What is the very best life we can shape for our children?"

Even unmarried couples should consider the impact separating has on the kids. "Remember that [your kids are] going to walk around with this imprint of your relationship for the rest of their lives," says Kathleen Wiebe from Victoria, B.C., who "uncoupled" from her partner when their youngest was only 1. "What do you want to model for them? Consider that your intentions will speak clearly."

Even the best intentions can be hard to stick to when emotions run high. Sometimes it's helpful if a third party is available to help you and your spouse work out the details. "On an intuitive level we know what is best for our kids, but if we cannot seem to agree on how best to raise our kids in this new landscape, there is always support available," says Stile. "There are child psychologists who can assist us, and many times our attorney or mediator will recommend such a professional if they see the need. Individual counseling for each parent by a professional can also allow them to see that decisions must be made, with the child's interests placed foremost."

In the end, the benefit to a positive divorce is not just for the kids. Everyone benefits from a more positive atmosphere.

"I see so many ex-couples that hate each other," says Beard. "They spend so much time and energy hating each other and complaining about each other and fighting that they make themselves miserable ... and in turn make their friends, family and, more importantly, their children miserable. At the end of the day, I think that Terry and I are both really proud of ourselves. We realize how hard we worked and now get to sit back and reap the benefits of having a well-balanced child, despite our divorce, and a great 'family.' As strange as it may seem to others, that is exactly how we all think of each other."

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