Fuzzy Blue Hippo

Dear Baby,

I bought you something a long time ago. It wasn't a big thing, but when I saw it, I immediately thought of you. It's a stuffed toy, a fuzzy blue hippo that plays music when you pull its feet and stretch out its spine. When I bought it, I thought you were on your way. I thought that it was going to be easy to bring you into our lives. I thought that just wanting you – along with some help from basic biology – was going to be enough. It turned out that it wasn't. I'm sorry that it took so long.

Even though it is a bit dusty, you can still tell that it is blue. (Don't worry; I will clean it off before you get here.) I once described it as being the color of your mom's eyes. It still is, of course, but recently, I have seen its azure hue in something else that reminded me of you. As it turns out, the "positive" on our pregnancy test was the same color blue as the skin of the fuzzy blue hippo that I bought for you. Yesterday, we found out for sure that you are on your way. Those were tears of joy in your mother's big, blue eyes this time. I do not yet know whether you are a boy or a girl, and it doesn't much matter. What I am sure of is that you will have bright blue eyes, just like your mom.

I have felt you in my heart for so long now, and yet I must admit there were times that I did not think you would make it. When they told me that I would need surgery to assist in the process, I had my doubts. When repeated exams and visits to the doctor did not help, I had my doubts. Trip after trip, try after try, time after time, nothing seemed to help. Yes, there were times when I did not think you would make it at all. I talked to your mom about perhaps having to face a life without you and how we could manage it. The tears that came after those conversations were not tears of joy at all.

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