To Sloane and Rachel, My Twins, My Life,

My life since I met you and since I have loved you has changed considerably. I don't stay up late and watch old films anymore and I don't go out every weekend with Daddy to eat and play the night away. My life has certainly changed to something almost unrecognizable. I keep telling myself I need to write letters and correspond with old friends. I need to get out my paints and paint the pretty autumn sky. I should promise that I will write short stories about people with lives in big cities, but how can I be me while all I want is ya'll? I wake up to feed you tiny babies; I sleep when you are asleep; I live for coos and smiles, laughs and calling Mamama. I am on the constant lookout for developmental milestones. I comfort you both when you cry for no apparent reason. I worry that you aren't eating enough. I worry about you having too much gas. I comfort you both when you cry with reason. I medicate you when you are sick around the clock. I change diapers that are usually full of a substance that I cannot believe came out of my tiny sweet babies. I love you both so dearly, so much so that ya'll are now what my entire world is about.

For instance, I have snuck into the living room, here at 1 in the morning, to try to write some sort of letter as a memory for later and also check all of my e-mails while ya'll sleep peacefully on the big bed with Daddy. If either of you should wake suddenly, I will have to stop what I am doing and go tend to you, and I can almost guarantee that I will not get back to this writing effort for quite sometime. My thoughts are constantly preoccupied with everything baby. Every thought has to do with you. Are they well? Do they need to have their tiny boogers sucked out of their tiny heads again? Have they spit up in their sleep? Am I paying them enough attention? Are they developing all right?

Some of my thoughts are about me, but even those thoughts usually relate back to you two little sweeties somehow. Am I ever going to feel normal? Are my breasts creating enough milk? How long will it take for me to lose the pregnancy weight if I don't exercise? Will the scars ever heal? Am I a good mother? When will I find time to exercise? Will the bright red stretch marks ever disappear, or at least fade? When will I have time to pursue a Master's Degree? How will I take care of us, if something should happen to Daddy? I worry all the time because I love you both more than I could have ever imagined. Before it was the four of us, I would think about my future children and I could never have known how much I would love you and need you.

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