Here are my thoughts after my son died. I have a 3-year-old miracle named Haley. I had serious complications with her pregnancy including tumors and had a 10 percent chance of pregnancy afterwards with fertility drugs. I feel like I need to share my story and get people's feedback so please be truthful with me.

April 22, 2009 (one week after Jordan's birth): The physical excruciating pain is subsiding but the mental and emotional numbness seems to bubble over into all of my thoughts and ideas. It is not I want to forget you or even really even move on, but I don't feel like I feel anything or that anything is real.

All of my questions are followed by recognition that they are unhealthy or not good for me, but never answers.

I trust in my Lord and thank him for taking Jordan when and how he did. I know he is in our redeemer's house and he is completely healthy and happy. It isn't that at all really. It is my selfish wish to get to raise him, to get to see how he learns, what his favorite color is (or if he is like his sister and it changes from moment to moment). I wanted to see his big smile as I smile at him and he realizes that I am his mommy, the one who will keep him safe, which takes me back to my self loathing.

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