We've all heard of sibling rivalry. It can start as soon as the new baby is born and last for quite a while. There's also plenty of advice on how to handle it. But what about rivalry that starts even before the new baby makes his or her appearance?

Nancy Delany of Denver, Colo., had to deal with that problem through much of her second pregnancy. At first her 3-year-old daughter, Heather, seemed fine, but as Delany started to show, Heather began acting out. "She would scream that she wanted to be the baby and we didn't need another baby," says Delany. "As I really started to show, she would push on my stomach and throw her dolls around, pretending they were the baby. I didn't know where this all came from, and it was very upsetting."

Armin Brott, author of Fathering Your Toddler (Abbeville Press, 2005), says sibling rivalry at any age is perfectly normal."Our first instinct is to tell the child she's wrong for her aggressive actions, but allowing her to express her anger isn't such a bad thing," he says. "We have a tendency to say to our children that you can think or feel that, but that won't make the feeling go away. In this case, better the doll than the baby." This is not to say that Brott advocates raising violent children. Rather, he suggests keeping a special doll that's just for hitting and that no hitting goes beyond that doll.

Brott also says it's important to explore the child's feelings to see if there is something concrete the child is fearful about. For example, is the sibling-to-be worried the new baby will take his or her bed or toys? Is it possible that she has a friend who has had a sibling and is sharing her feelings of neglect? Were there changes in a friend's family, such as divorce, after the birth of a sibling that your child may tie to the event? Brott suggests asking open-ended questions to find out.

"Part of what's going on is a lack of control on the part of the child," says Brott. "There's Mommy and her big belly, and as things get closer and closer she may be feeling a sense of panic."

Although allowing a child to express his or her anger is OK, it's also important to try to create an atmosphere of some level of acceptance. Usually that starts in earnest after the baby is born, but for a child who is very upset about the pregnancy, it should start well before the birth. A good beginning, says Brott, is to emphasize the benefits of being an older sibling.

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