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March 14, 2004
The end of week 1: Breastfeeding angst
I stayed overnight at the hospital for the first time last night (without Dan) and it was pretty rough. Peter had been disconnected from all wires around lunchtime Saturday (yaaay!!) after a successful cup feeding that morning and we were allowed to feed him on demand without threat of the dreaded nose tube being plugged in. He ate happily right away, and again every hour and a half or so until about 3pm. At that point, he became Mr Crankypants and wouldn't stop screaming for anything (he'd been VERY alert since noon). We tried cupfeeding him a little, but he wasn't too hungry. I couldn't take the crying and took a nap while Dan walked him and rocked him until he conked out. He didn't wake up until almost 8 pm! He fed enough from the breast that we didn't have to use the cup and he slept again until 11. Then Dan left and he munched at my breasts until 2:15. He didn't swallow much, but he didn't scream with the breast in his face, so I didn't want to mess with him. He hadn't peed since noon though, so the nurse gave him a cupfeeding at that point and he ate 90cc's. I was so upset that he was that hungry after feeding so much that I could barely watch him eat. He slurps it down and it rips my heart into a million tiny pieces to see it. Meanwhile, I'm feeling engorged for the first time and my breasts are throbbing while he refuses to eat from them. I hadn't pumped all day (ahh, free from the tubes) so I could see whether Peter and I could regulate each other, but I pumped for 5 minutes at that point. He didn't fall asleep, even after eating the 90cc's, but didn't fuss until 3am. I picked him up and he nuzzled at my breast for 5 minutes before falling asleep. I love holding him--his little face is so cute and he makes such fun faces, but I just dread feeding him for fear of how he'll react. And knowing he's not peeing isn't helping. He did produce a number of poopy diapers (no more antibiotic diarhhea either), but never a wet one. At 4am, he woke up again, and he fed well for 5 minutes, then just snuggled for another 5 before falling asleep. I pumped for 10 minutes after that. The nurses were great about doing all they could for me--I wasn't sure if they'd wash pump parts and whatnot beforehand (since that's usually Dan's responsibility), but it wasn't a problem. Heck, he's probably one of the few kids without monitors to watch and all the extra paraphanalia--it's the least they can do to change his diapers and wash the pump.
Peter and I both slept until close to 8. I was pretty zonked, if he wasn't. At that point, the nurse took his vitals and it looked like he was going to wake up. We brought him to my chest, and he'd take 3 swigs and fall asleep. She'd put him back in his bassinet and he'd wake up. We repeated that 3 times before I had her give him a cup feeding. I slept again until 10 when Dan returned. I pumped then (producing 130cc's) and on both Dan and the nurse's advice, left the room. Right before we left, the doctor came by and said that due to his lack of peeing (he did finally produce a wet diaper early this morning) and loss of weight (he's down to 8 lbs 12 oz), he won't be going home today. Even though I knew it wasn't a guarantee, I thought that if he could cup feed, they'd let us go. I can't deal with being in the hospital much longer. His long stretches of waking and sleeping are due to a combination of the drugs still leaving his system and the funkiness of living in a world where the lights are always slightly dimmed. I want him in bed next to me, with the curtains up when it's light out. Without a steady stream of nurses who change every 8 hours and doctors who nonchalantly tell us that he's not quite doing well enough yet. I feel like he's never going to have the chance to get the hang of breastfeeding until we get him OUT OF HERE.
A nurse yesterday asked if we were mourning the birth we'd hoped for. That's not it at all--it's the babymoon I'm missing. While I would have preferred a 12 hour labor that didn't leave me with tears I need to bathe 3 times a day, I'm happy with my birth experience. After I'd showered and they had him breathing, we tried nursing at home on Monday. He wouldn't latch on, but he would suck our fingers really vigorously. At the time, breathing and nursing seemed too much for him. But I can't help but think that if he had been able to spend the following days home with me, we would have figured it out during the colostrum time instead of him being fed through an IV then, and a nose tube later.
I never did figure out when exactly my milk came in. I didn't get hugely engorged or anything. Tuesday, I pumped about 15cc's each pumping, Wednesday it went up to 30, and by Thursday I was at 60 or 70. I didn't see the color change either. Apparently, it was just a subtle thing for me. I was worried that I wouldn't produce enough milk for him before the birth, and that's one of the few things I haven't had to worry about. How odd.
My bleeding has gone down a lot. I've become a fan of Depends--they're just easier than pads. I have an herb wash in a peri bottle that I use. The midwives are pretty concerned that I'm not able to rest enough for "my bottom" to heal. I don't think they usually deal with this much tearing. They knew he needed to come out when he did, and there wasn't any talk of slowing down to get his 14 1/2" head out gently. Once I get home with Peter, I'm just not going to wear underwear for a week =) I have been able to use a handicapped-accessible shower here at the hospital with a handheld nozzle--if that wasn't available, the midwives would have had me go home for baths multiple times a day.
I've been using a wheelchair around the hospital so I don't wear myself out any more than necessary. I feel a little lame, especially since a lot of the NICU moms are wearing robes and still have IV's attached. But I get worn out enough by the end of the day.
I've been sobbing a good portion of the morning, but life always looks better when Dan's around. He brought me up to the family resource room and has been checking out LLL's breastfeeding book for advice. I guess the plan is to try feeding him every 2 hours, whether he wants to or not, just to get in the extra practice. Hopefully that'll keep me from getting engorged and will let him trying feeding before he's starving. I think we're going to give the SNS another try, too. We tried it Friday afternoon, but he was too pissed to latch on at all then, so it didn't work. If we can convince him that mommy's nipples are for eating, we might be set. My right nipple is sore from some of his chomping overnight, but I hope that won't get worse.
I think I'm sane enough to go back to my boy now. He really is the most adorable precious little thing. I just can't stand him when the feeding doesn't work. He can pull his head from side to side and his eyes are amazing when he gazes at me. He'll turn to look at me when I talk to him. And he has my crooked toes =)
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