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January 17, 2000
Reading the sad news of Kathy's passing has touched me very deeply. I read her diary only once before when I read about the birth of her baby. I remember being very impressed with her and her desire for a large family. I have been reading the information on her memorial site and about her own struggles with PPD.
Even though I didn't know Kathy I can relate to her experiences. When I had my first child I was surrounded by friends. Dave and I continued to go to school, and we were together a lot as a family when we were not in class. Even though I did not have friends with children I had many friends that were there for me and my husband. I was excited about being a new mother, and I didn't even suffer from the "baby blues". We decided we would start trying for another baby when Allyson turned one. However, we found out we were already expecting when Allyson was 8 months old. We were ecstatic. My pregnancy was smooth sailing. I was a little more tired and uncomfortable, but over all I was doing great. We finally welcomed Lauren into our family in February. Within days of her homecoming though we knew something was wrong. She screamed almost constantly as though she were in pain. Everyone said it was too soon for colic, but I knew something was wrong with her. She mostly screamed as she ate and afterward. We were up with her for an entire night while she screamed. We fed her, rocked her, did everything we could think of. We finally went to bed with her hoping she would fall asleep, but she just continued to scream. The doctor told us that some babies just cry. He had us try a soy formula. That worked a little but she still seemed to have problems. I was not willing to write it off as just something we would have to deal with. My daughter was obviously hurting and so I went to the internet to research alternatives. I found that a lacto-free formula often works better for babies. We tried that and she was like a new baby. She still had a lot of crying jags throughout the day, but she really was doing much better.
Lauren was finally doing better but I was not. I assumed that since I had not suffered any kind of blues or depression after my first pregnancy that I would be okay. I also thought to myself that I had done this before so it would be not necessarily easy, but familiar the second time around. However, a lot of things had changed in my life. I had left school, most of my friends had moved away, and my husband had graduated and was working. I felt very alone and isolated. The girls and I would try to get out of our apartment, but Lauren was still colicky and would cry the entire time we were out. It was just too unnerving to be out trying to soothe a colicky baby and handle an 18 month old at the same time.
It really felt like something was slowly taking me over. I was anxious about being home alone with my girls. I didn't feel like I was attached to Lauren, and I was more than happy to let Dave take care of her constantly while he was at home. I dreaded spending the days with my girls. I cried constantly, and I wasn't as happy and talkative as I normally am. I stopped caring about anything, and I felt like I was a failure at everything. I felt an emptiness consuming me that hit me the hardest the day I locked myself in the bathroom. I left Lauren in her bassinet screaming and Allyson sitting outside the door crying. I just didn't think I could take it anymore. I couldn't get Lauren to stop crying and Allyson was also being very clingy. I sat on the floor and cried and found myself scanning the bathroom for something I could use to kill myself. I wished I could just melt away into the floor. That's when I jumped up and looked at myself in the mirror. I ran out into the room and grabbed my daughters, hugged them and cried. Dave would suggest I try getting out of the house more. That would just make me angry because going to the park or the mall was not going to make the emptiness and pain I was feeling go away. I knew something was wrong with me. Unfortunately I still did not seek treatment. I was ashamed and I would just tell people I had been a little down that day. I was afraid people would think I was insane or something, and that someone might even try to take my girls from me. Right around this time I was starting summer school. My girls went into a daycare program, and I slowly felt the fog that had taken over drifting away. Even now I am not sure that I was suffering from PPD, but that is what I believe it was. I cannot begin to describe how I felt at that time. The horrible deep saddness and feeling of being lost and empty.
It was very hard for me to share this part of my life. However, reading Kathy's story gave me the courage to do so. I also feel that if I can bring this experience to the surface instead of hiding it maybe I will handle things a little bit better this time around. I have been anxious about having this happen again since I found out I was pregnant. I plan to talk to my doctor about it ahead of time so we can be watching for symptoms before things get out of control. I would love to hear any thoughts or advice from anyone on my talk to me board.
Take care,
Christina
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