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September 5, 2001
September 5, 2001
Eleven Weeks
Charles and I had a really nice trip to Connecticut. It was our first time back in about 9 months so it was fun seeing all our friends and family again, especially since no one knew that I was pregnant. When we arrived in Hartford on Thursday morning and came off the plane into the waiting area, Charles’ mother was waiting right there to greet us. As soon as she saw me, she said, “Oh my God, you’re pregnant!” Naturally, she was ecstatic. So, there was no chance for quaint little announcements made amongst dinners with the family, no cute little gifts to open containing T shirts saying “I’m a grandma,” nothing like that. It was painfully obvious apparently, so our arrival certainly made a true impact upon our family and friends. Of course, I was more surprised than anyone about this considering the fact that never in a million years did I think that I would be showing this early.
I believe I stated in a post on my board that I was certain there would be unwelcome commentary from at least one moron at some point during the trip. This assumption proved to be correct. When we pulled into the driveway of my in-laws house, my BIL (who had come down from Boston specifically to see us), came out of the house. As soon as we got out of the car, my MIL exclaimed, “Look at Corinne, do you notice anything?!” His pat response was “I already knew she’s pregnant ! I figured that was why they were coming, I knew she had to be pregnant...” and then he proceeded to hand us a card of congratulations, all smug like he was some genius incapable of being surprised by his silly brother and SIL. That is not what pissed me off though. What pissed me off is that later on during the trip several family members, including my in-laws, admitted that they suspected I would be pg because my BIL had planted the idea in their minds weeks before we got there. That REALLY pissed me off because it was sort of like he minimized the significance of the whole thing. I know that he does this out of jealousy because his wife doesn’t want kids, and he desperately does. I do feel sorry for him because of this but I still feel like that’s not my problem and if his wife doesn’t want children, he shouldn’t take his s--- out on me. My BIL also said one other thing to me that made me want to leap across the kitchen table and throttle his scrawny little neck. We sat down to lunch and I took a piece of fried chicken - my second piece. My BIL’s response was, “Uhh, you’re eating for 2, not 5 you know.” I became like Alice in the Dilbert comic strip, sitting there, holding my balled up hand, saying to myself over and over again, “Must - restrain - fist - of - death!” I was proud of myself though because I didn’t even show him that his little comment bothered me. My BIL knows I am a fanatic about my weight and I am sure he thought he could rattle me. Instead, I simply bit into that drumstick with relish and started talking about the baby and how excited we were and really started to lay it on thick. My MIL of course kept going on and on about how happy she was to finally have her FIRST grandchild, yada, yada and my BIL didn’t open his yap for the rest of the meal. (GRIN).
I should also mention that we finally told everyone about all our trials and tribulations trying to get pg. They were all shocked about that and very sympathetic, though some of them didn’t understand why we felt we needed to seek out help when we were so young. We then explained that when you are in your 30’s, you can easily get pg, yes, but what if you don’t get pg and it takes a few years? And then what would happen if you FINALLY did go to an infertility specialist but now, you are 35 and have wasted precious years? The bottom line is that if there IS something wrong, finding out immediately and taking care of it is better to do the younger you are. If you do get checked out and they find nothing wrong with you, then you haven’t lost anything, except maybe a co-pay. Sometimes I have to wonder if the doctor had removed my endometriosis a year earlier would I have been pg last July instead of now? The moral of the whole story is that there is nothing silly about wanting to be checked out sooner than later, and if anyone out there reading this is being told to just relax, it will happen and all of that other crap, my advice to you is to do what you feel comfortable doing. But DON’T listen to other people. You need to do what you feel is right, only you know your body and if you feel you want to wait to see a specialist, great. If you want to get checked out early, that’s great too but don’t let the opinions of others, ESPECIALLY those who have no clue what this is about, try and influence your decision.
Sorry, I got on my infertility soapbox.
Most of the time in CT we spent visiting friends and family, eating out, shopping, going to the movies - Charles played A LOT of golf. It was a really relaxing time. The most special time of all was last Saturday when my in-laws had a barbecue for us and invited the whole family over. Charles’ uncle said he wanted to propose a toast and everyone (except me of course) got a glass of champagne. His uncle congratulated us and said a lot of sweet stuff about us being parents and the new baby but then he started getting really teary-eyed and all choked up. I had no idea at all where he was going with this toast. Charles’ uncle then said that as happy as he was about this news that something, or someONE was missing today to share in such special news and how this person would have been so elated to know he was going to have a grandchild. He then concluded the toast by saying that Charles’ father would have loved nothing more than to be here today to celebrate with us all and how he would be so proud. I guess I should mention that Charles’ father died suddenly of a severe heart attack when Charles was 9. I honestly don’t think Charles ever got over it. Years later, my MIL remarried when Charles and his brother were adults. Charles’ step-father is a dear sweet man, and like a real father to all of us. However, for Charles at least, he can’t ever replace his real father.
So, of course by the end of the toast, everyone in the room was crying. It sounds like a sad moment but it was really special and I am sure we will never forget it.
We returned from CT last night and ever since I have just been busy regrouping (unpacking, paying bills, running errands and doing catch-up for the past missed week). I am leaving for Hilton Head, SC next week so I will soon start repacking all over again. I am already dreading putting on a bathing suit. I was looking at myself in the mirror this morning. It was at that point that I finally came up with an appropriate way to describe how I look physically.
Picture a centaur, (half horse, half man). If you can create this image in your mind, then you should see how a centaur’s body has almost two parts, the long, vertical horse part, and the tall, horizontal, man part, (torso). Well, on a centaur, in my opinion, the body almost looks like the two separate parts don’t line up correctly, like the torso and head are very far away from the body and the ass. Well, that is exactly how I look. My stomach and my torso are very far away from my ass, which sticks out quite prominently. It almost looks like my back and my butt form the letter J, do you see what I mean? Almost like I am a severe scoliosis patient. The more my stomach starts to stick out, the more my spine starts to curve, further emphasizing the jutting out appearance of my stomach. I know I have probably confused everyone with these descriptions, so I am planning on scanning my newest pictures as soon as I can. It can all be summed up by saying that the end result is not an attractive sight.
My morning sickness has almost completely disappeared, nearly overnight. I still have my moments however. For instance, at 5:30 a.m., every day like clockwork, I wake up with a severe case of nausea. I now keep apples on my nightstand and just eat them at 5:30 in the morning. I don’t know exactly why, but Golden Delicious apples taste so refreshing to me. Prepregnancy, I despised Golden Delicious apples. Only Macintosh would do. After I eat my apples, I then go back to sleep and I am fine until breakfast. Most foods still don’t appeal much to me though, but nothing really repulses me anymore except onions and fish. I have developed a new craving for Lucky Charms, gone are the days of Grapenuts.
Speaking of fish, some friends of ours wanted to go out to dinner one night while we were in CT and wanted to take us to The Griswold Inn, in Essex. Essex is a beautiful, quaint, extremely wealthy little sea town on the CT shore and has tons of cute little shops and restaurants, so I was really pleased that we were going there to eat. Of course, I must have been having a major brain fart at the time because of course, I knew, but forgot that the Griswold Inn serves mainly sea food meals, and we all know by now how much I simply despise fish during this pregnancy. The mere sight of it makes me start gagging. So we go to this restaurant and I proceeded to spend the next two hours trying to will myself not to gag. I ordered pasta, because the only other choice was steak, and steak also nauseates me. The pasta was literally soaking in garlic, something I also usually love, but haven’t had since pregnant. That was also a mistake. Garlic does not like me pregnant. So, we ended up spending all this money on a dinner that was as torturous for me to eat as if you had placed a bowl of vomit in front of me. Fun, fun, fun.
I have to say, aside from food issues, I absolutely LOVE being pregnant and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love when people pat my stomach and say nice things, (as long as the person looks clean, of course). I NEVER thought I would like that, because even though I am a very affectionate, touchy feely person myself, I have always believed that unsolicited touching of a pg woman’s stomach is a very personal thing. I never did it to anyone unless I asked first and always thought I may go ballistic if anyone did it to me. I really do like it though, it is quite nice.
Aside from how absolutely weird I look naked, I must say that I love wearing maternity clothes and I also love the way my body is already starting to shift from side to side when I walk. I feel bad for women who hate being pregnant not only because it is such a long time to be miserable, but also because it is such a special time and I think it would be a shame if you were unable to enjoy it. (I can see how some women with difficult pregnancies would hate feeling pregnant, so I am not judging those women at all). I do realize that I am extremely early in my pg to be commenting on how great it feels. I may be singing a different tune come March when I am walking up four flights of stairs to get into our apartment. But, for now, I must say I really love it.
I had my first OB appointment, (not with my RE), on 8/29. The visit was perfectly and absolutely unnoteworthy. I had an internal exam, the doctor said I weighed what I should, that my uterus felt completely normal and that I was in great health. I filled out a massive amount of paperwork and then scheduled my next appointment for 9/26 which is when the doctor informed me I shall be able to hear the heartbeat. The doctor gave me all the paperwork to register for the hospital, as well as the paperwork to sign up for Lamaze. After the appointment, we drove to the hospital to find out exactly where it is, seeing as how we had never been to it before. Having only lived in town for less than a year, we have fortunately had no reason to go to the hospital but thought it would be a good idea to locate it even now, just in case.
I don’t feel any different at all this week. In fact, I don’t even feel pg. Of course, I started worrying about the lack of symptoms, (other than remote m/s), and called my RE nurse. She completely reassured me that around the 10th-11th week, your hormones start to change again (henceforth the change in m/s symptoms), and that my body will start to feel more “normal.” She also said that it is highly possible that my breasts will stop hurting and my stomach may stop growing as rapidly, but not to worry, this is normal. Essentially she said that when approaching the second trimester, a pg woman should start to feel almost like she did prepregnancy. That is pretty much how I feel though my breasts are actually growing more and hurt like hell, but my stomach does not look too different than it had. In fact, maybe I am losing my mind, but some days it actually looks smaller than it has - has anyone else out there ever felt this way? Am I normal? I guess I really was just worrying because I had no twinges, pulls, ligament stretching sensations - nothing. And I thought I would have that by now. My RE nurse says that that also comes later in the pg. I hope she is right.
My goal for this week is to send out at least 20 resumes. I really, really am getting bored at home. Being a “housewife” is not all it is cracked up to be - I feel like my life has no purpose anymore, that I am not anyone unless I am working. If I had a child to take care of, different story, because that can be a career and it certainly is a tough job, but being childless and not working I feel like some sort of reject. My mom said that the only reason I feel that way is because society has brainwashed me (and a whole lot of other women), to believe that they have to work these days in order to matter in society but that that is completely not true. My mother is right, I do feel that people will think I am wasting my education, my life by not getting up in the morning and rushing off to a stressful job, validating my existence on the planet, labeling me an asset to my little family’s success, not a liability. The hard part though is trying to decide which jobs to apply for. Part of my problem is I am not even sure what I want to do anymore. I do know I want to practice law, like I did before moving to VA, I am just not sure in which field. Insurance defense litigation (what I did in CT) is a very small field in VA/metro D.C. area. In Hartford, the insurance capital of the world, the sort of job I am looking for would be easy to find. Here, not so easy. I do know that I would NEVER want to work in a law firm again - ugh. I did that when I first got out of law school and was miserable the entire time. Too much work, too long hours, too much stress. I would really prefer an in-house counsel position, one where I can work no more than 8-6, and where I can still have a decent career while not neglecting my baby. It will be rather hard, I think, to find such a job, especially while pg. I know a lot of you have posted to me that it is illegal to discriminate against pregnant interviewees, and I did know that already, however, I do also know that what the law dictates and how the law is adhered to are two completely different things. A friend of mine who practices employment discrimination says that even the most liberal of employers will be known to discriminate when it comes to hiring pg women, (or older people). These are the two groups most discriminated against in the workplace and I have managed to fall into one I never thought I would. I suppose I just have to keep looking and eventually one will come my way. What I really wish is that I could become a writer, but how can make a living while I try to figure out my writing career? Would that even be fair to my child? My husband? Me?
Movie Review
OK, I saw O this weekend and I promised I would review Legally Blonde weeks ago, but I really promised someone I would review Rush Hour in my next entry. So, I am forgetting about LB seeing as how you have all probably seen it by now and I will save O for next week. This entry is already so damn long, there is no way I can include 3 movie reviews here.
Rush Hour - 3 Babies
Rush Hour is a story involving two cops, (or maybe they are detectives - not important), who are...
OK, I am really losing it here. I have to interrupt my review to say that I don’t even REMEMBER WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT. Geez, this has never happened to me before, my brain is actually melting! Holy S---! OK, I remember karate moves, some bad guys, the chick from Crouching Tiger. There were also a few good one liners and funny jokes, and there were definitely some very bad and even insulting Asian stereotypes, but for the life of me, I honestly cannot remember the story line. I am really embarrassed, I am so sorry guys, I just don’t remember the plot. I can’t even tell you anymore than what I have. Well, I guess this means the new rule for me is that any movie review I do must come immediately after I see the movie, not weeks later. At least for the duration of my pregnancy, which has obviously reduced my brain cells significantly. God, I am so embarrassed.
I am going now, I need to lie down!
Until next week -
Love and healthy pregnancies to all,
Corinne and her baby
EDD 4-1-02
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