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September 19, 2001
September 19, 2001
13 weeks pg
This past week and the tragic events that have unfolded, have made me reflect a lot about the significance of bringing a new life into this world, what it really means. Right before Charles was born on October 27, 1962, the Cuban Missile Crisis was looming, war was more a probability than a possibility. At that time, Charles’ mom said she feared so much for her unborn child and what the future had in store for not only her and her family, but for the whole world as well. Now I know exactly the way she felt. Of course, my heart aches for all the losses of the families in last week’s terrorist attacks. I cannot believe the strength of some of the victims and their families - wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, children - who speak so bravely when interviewed and who rarely seem to falter. If I had just lost Charles or any family member in such a horrible manner, not only would I have to be laid out on a stretcher, I probably would have needed an I.V. and a catheter to even function.
Despite the feelings of sympathy I have for the victims in this tragedy, I selfishly find myself thinking about my own family. Why does all this tragedy have to be happening now, during My pregnancy, right when MY child’s life is about to start? I say I am being selfish when I say these things because tragedies must always occur at some point in life. What makes me so special that I feel it shouldn’t happen during mine? Perhaps my own maternal instincts are already kicking in, my need to protect my child, a child I don’t even know yet. I guess I just want to make sure that she/he has a healthy, safe and happy world to live in. When we start talking about war and bombing, attacks and chemical warfare, I become terrified. I don’t live that far from the Pentagon. If something goes wrong and this whole tragedy turns into something far worse than we imagined, my child’s life and health may be gravely compromised before she/he even enters this world. For the most part during this past week, these fears have been the main focus of my thoughts. I pray to God to help all those poor people who have suffered directly and immediately from this tragedy. More than that, I selfishly pray for my unborn child.
My trip to Hilton Head was of course completely overshadowed by the terrorist attacks. I don’t think any of us were in the mood to enjoy ourselves. Additionally, the weather was horrible, cloudy, rainy and muggy. We went to the beach anyway during remote bouts of sunshine but often found ourselves leaving when the winds would start to blow. The sand on the beach was so fine any wind made it feel like you were in the middle of a sandstorm. The water was extremely warm and I did actually brave the humiliation and go in the water with my big stomach. I didn’t really look pregnant, just like a person who had had too many beers over the summer, but I love the ocean so I didn’t really care at that point what I looked like. Unfortunately, one of the tourists told me that there had been many shark sightings on the beach in the past few weeks, so from then on I couldn’t enjoy the water at all for fear of any possible attack. I just stopped going in the water altogether at that point. The weather did allow me to spend a lot of time in the condo on my parents’ laptop in the search for a job. Despite being away from home, I must say that I made a solid effort to job hunt for a good portion of every day.
As far as how I feel so far, I must admit that for the most part I feel pretty good. I in no way feel 100% or remotely close to the way I felt before getting pg. I find that I don’t get sick as long as I keep myself well fed and often times, the only thing that will combat a bout of nausea is candy. I have to say that during the trip I ate A LOT of candy - Good N’ Plenty, black licorice, Chewy Sweet Tarts, Life Savers Lollipops, Caramels with creme centers - I was really bad. Thank goodness chocolates don’t do it for me, never did. I just hope that when I go the doctor next week they don’t tell me I have sugar in my urine. I have since cut down on anything that has sugar in it. But like I said, sometimes sweets (and I don’t mean fruit or juice), are the only things that make my nausea go away. When you are really sick, you usually don’t care what you put in your stomach as long as it makes you feel better. That is the way it is for me.
I am no longer as tired as I was. In fact, I suffer from insomnia most of the time. I hope this is normal, because I really thought that most pg women are exhausted by bedtime. I never have trouble going to sleep, just staying asleep. I wonder if that is only because I get up about 8 times a night to use the bathroom.
My breasts hardly ever hurt anymore but they sure are getting big. About two weeks after finding out I was pg, I bought this huge jethro bra - 36 D. Well, normally I wear a 32 B so a 36 D to me is HUGE. It now fits perfectly and all of my teeny weeny cutesy bras have been banished to the back of the underwear drawer. I look at them and wonder how the hell I ever fit into any of them. I am proud to say that I still fit into my bikini underwear nicely, but for how long is another matter.
OK, this next part about the breasts is gross so if you scare easily, just skip this paragraph. I don’t know if anyone else out there has ever had this, (and please feel free to post to me about this), but for the past 2-3 weeks, my breasts have been excreting this crusty, milky stuff. It’s not liquid , well maybe it is but by the time air hits it, it turns into this white/pale yellow crust all in the holes of my nipples. I am ASSUMING that it is just the beginning of lactation in its earliest stages and not some rare form of breast cancer. I was sort of shocked though because I just thought this sort of thing started a lot later in the pregnancy. Anyone’s thoughts are most certainly appreciated.
People keep asking me what I have bought for the baby so far. The answer to that would be - nothing. I mean, as far as significant items, we really haven’t purchased anything, mainly due to superstition. I kept saying that I didn’t want to buy anything (like a crib, stroller, etc.) until I was out of my first trimester. It would be awful to have furniture and baby paraphernalia lingering around only to later m/c. I did however buy some clothes, pacifiers (because I really love them), socks, teethers and rattles. I know buying a random teether sounds odd, but the only reason I bought the teether is because it was one I had always loved when baby-sitting other people’s children, you know the one - it’s a series of little clear plastic balloons filled with water and a tiny toy? I have always loved that teether and when it caught my eye at the grocery store, I just added it to the cart. Usually, I never go out with the intention of buying, I only purchase items if I truly like them and/or believe they won’t be around later when I need them.
For example, when we were in Hilton Head, we went into a Baby Gap and I saw the most adorable pair of raspberry colored corduroy overalls with pale blue stitching. They really would be great for either a boy or a girl and I thought the color was so unique, I just had to buy them, especially since they were on sale. I also saw the cutest pair of tiny baby socks with tiny rubber stamped feet all over the soles of the socks. Once again, I just couldn’t resist and it’s not like they cost anything anyway. I have also bought some jumpers, a couple of jackets (for next fall), some pajamas and some cute little shirts. I have to admit, I even bought a little dress, it was too cute, I couldn’t help myself. I figured if I have a boy I will give the dress away as a gift.
I do have one weakness for baby spending and that is books. I myself LOVE books, especially children’s books and have waited so long to buy my first child every book I have ever loved. I have already bought One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, Green Eggs and Ham, The Cat in the Hat and The Best Nest. I also bought some great books on sale at Target for when the baby is older, none of which are readily recognizable. I still have a ton of books (in addition to the many remaining by Dr. Seuss), that I need to buy - The Giving Tree, Where the Wild things Are, Curious George, Madeline, Corduroy, Good Night Moon, The Velveteen Rabbit - I could go on for days. I believe that it is NEVER to early to start with books and more than anything, that is the item my child will need most. Every time I buy my baby a book, I feel like I making a “deposit” into his or her “brain bank.” What I now try to do is buy one book every time I go to the bookstore so that by the time the baby is born, I will have a nice little library started. Books are so much more important than toys or clothes, I think. I just really hope that my baby loves books and reading as much as Charles and I do. I plan to do all I can to make sure that happens.
You know it’s funny, when I was young, my parents weren’t ones to indulge me in toys or games. When I was older, most of my friends got cars in high school. I didn’t get one, not because my parents couldn’t afford it, but because they felt it wasn’t necessary. I never got a huge allowance or rewards for good grades. I had a lot of chores and was expected to do them without being asked so I was no one’s spoiled kid. But I have to admit, the one area where I was definitely spoiled was with respect to clothes. Being an only child in that respect had its advantages. For one, there were no hand-me-downs. Additionally, I was always tall and grew rapidly from year to year so I never was able to wear clothes from one season to the next.
From the time I was a child I always LOVED clothes and still do. If money were no object I could shop until the stores closed and even now, the sight of a mall on the horizon causes a feeling of euphoria to come over me. Sad, isn’t it? Anyway, (and I am going somewhere with this), when I was young my mom pretty much indulged me in whatever item of clothing I wanted. When Guess Jeans became the hot new item, my mother never bitched about the price tag. When Benetton hit the ground, I was the first of my friends to have all the ridiculously over-priced sweaters. And though my parents could afford it, I knew that my mother would sacrifice a lot of her own spending money from the family budget to go above and beyond for me. I used to ask her if she minded depriving herself of some things so that I could have what I wanted. She always replied that she didn’t mind at all because when you have a child, you stop caring about yourself and your focus shifts to what the child’s needs are. I always used to think that I would NEVER feel that way. I thought there was no way in hell I would be able to pass up some great new shoes or a suede jacket or whatever it is I thought I wanted, just so some kid could have their needs fulfilled.
Well, it just goes to show, never say never. My child is not even born yet and I already find myself saying no to this or that for myself and instead buying something for the baby. It’s like I suddenly have this burning need to make sure my child has everything it needs. I am not ready to start with big items yet but am my working my way through the small ones first. I feel as though I am becoming paranoid about making sure my baby has all it needs. And time is passing so quickly. A little over 6 months to go but yet, that is really not a lot of time.
Right now, I am just trying to take it day by day. I realize it will all eventually get done. One thing I do plan on doing is ordering the crib soon. The crib we want takes 14-16 weeks for delivery so I need to place this order almost immediately. We are also buying a glider from Crate & Barrel. It looks exactly like an overstuffed armchair but it has the glider mechanism on the bottom. (I truly hate the traditional gliders you find at Babies R Us. They look so “grannified” and from what my friends have told me, they always seem to break). Anyway, the glider we want comes in a basic plain eggshell fabric but we want to choose a pattern that will look nice in the baby’s room. The fabric takes about 6 weeks to arrive so we have some time before we really need to order that.
Charles asked me the other day if I plan on speaking French to the baby. I am fluent in French because of my own mother but I worry that because my grammar is not always perfect I may teach the baby bad habits. Charles thinks it really doesn’t matter, that it is more important to instill the basics of the language at an early age and any perfections that need to be made can come later. He really thinks that it is important that our children are bilingual. I agree but I wonder if I have the dedication to follow through on that. I may just try it and see how it goes.
One dilemma we have really encountered is deciding on a name. For one, we would like a name that sounds good in both French and English. Unfortunately, names that sound great in French usually sound like crap in English and vice versa. Additionally, I have so many hang-ups with names. For example, I had a boss once named Steve who I hated with a passion. For that reason, all names beginning with S creep me out. Unfortunately, a lot of the names I love begin with S. One of Charles’ and my favorite girl names is Shelby. In addition to the Steve-phobia, our last name is Chappelle. Shelby Chappelle? I think that may be cruel. We thought that maybe we could make the name hyphenated, like Shelby-Claire, seeing as how we love the name Claire as well. But, I don’t know. Still may be too weird.
I rarely worry that much about miscarrying anymore, however I am now entering a different stage of worry and am beginning to feel concern over the possibility of abnormalities. While in Hilton Head, I passed a woman on the street with a newborn in her arms. When I looked at the baby I noticed it had a huge, gaping cleft palate. Of course, this is something that can easily be corrected and is not really what I would consider a disadvantage, but of course seeing that baby made me start wondering about my own child. When I saw a show on Siamese twins, I started wondering if maybe that is what I might be carrying inside of me. A mother of Siamese twin girls spoke about her children’s’ condition. Her twins shared essentially one body, most major organs but had two separate heads. When pg, an u/s showed that she was only having one child but she always found this difficult to believe it because her stomach grew large so rapidly. Of course, this made me wonder if maybe I am carrying Siamese twins because only my stomach is larger than it should be at 3+ months. Then last Monday, my mother and I were watching a T.V. show on autistic kids. After only watching the show for a 1/2 hour, (which only featured autistic children who were severely disturbed), I couldn’t go to sleep that night. I don’t feel that if my child were to have any of the above-mentioned conditions that it would be a tragedy, but of course I want my child to have the best of health and would prefer that they have none of these conditions.
I realize that worrying about the possibility of any of these conditions is a complete waste of time because chances are, it won’t occur and even if it did, there is nothing I can do about it. But at night when it’s difficult to sleep, when there is nothing else to think about and the room is pitch black, it seems like my worst fears tend to creep up on me. Does anyone else ever worry about this stuff?
Before I conclude, I would like to say one more thing regarding the topic of finding out the sex before the birth. I will wholeheartedly admit that I would absolutely LOVE to know what I am having as soon as possible. Naturally, I am human and therefore, curious. However, like I said in a prior entry, I still feel that there is something special about waiting until the day of delivery. Upon further reflection, I think that the reasons for waiting to find out go beyond “ being special.”
For whatever reason, God and Nature decided that the sex of the baby should be determined at birth and not before. It is man that created the technology to learn the sex during the pregnancy. I am all for modern medicine and technological advances but only when they serve a purpose which is to benefit the patient, in this case, the mother or the child. Finding out the sex through technology only serves one purpose - to quell the curiosity and alleviate the impatience of the baby’s family. There are no true health benefits whatsoever to the mother or the child in knowing the sex beforehand. I for one, believe that God and Nature knew what they were doing and must have had some elaborate reason too difficult, intricate and complex for a human being to comprehend, for making the sex determinable only at birth. Perhaps it was thought that the burning desire to learn the sex would aid the mother in laboring through the delivery, give her an incentive and motivation to complete her weary task. Maybe it was believed that the special moment that is birth, the jubilation of bringing life into the world, the closeness shared between a new baby and it’s parent(s), would create an aura that is only enhanced by learning the sex at the particular moment of delivery. I don’t really know what the answer is, but I do intend to find out for myself.
Love always,
Corinne and her baby
EDD 4-1-02
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