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December 24, 2001
Christmas Eve, 2001
26 Weeks
I still am amazed at how much a person’s life can change in a one small year. For years now all I have ever wanted was to be pregnant and to have a child (the two don’t always go hand in hand). For years, I have watched families and pregnant women during the holidays shopping in stores, eating in restaurants and generally enjoying the holidays in a way that is different from those of us without children. For years, I have longed to be one of those people and now I finally am. I never thought I would make it, but I did and the feeling is unreal.
A couple of days ago, I got sort of down - I missed working and being around friends (when you don’t work you miss out on a lot during the holidays). I was sad at the thought that we wouldn’t be seeing family until after Christmas. I was stressed over the fact that first my car broke down then my husband’s car did as well. (They are both now fixed but the stress and the cost of it all were tough). It just seemed like nothing was really going right, you know how we all have those times. Then, I went and reread my preconception diary, in particular the entries written right about this time last year. All of a sudden I realized how little all of that other stuff mattered. Last year I felt nearly suicidal over my lack of success TTC and now this year I am only three months away from having my first child. Last year I was dreading starting a new job and commuting and working long hours. This year, I get to stay home and revel in my pregnancy. MANY years ago I was miserable in a less-than-perfect first marriage with a man with whom I had no future. This year I am married to a man I love more than anyone in this world (until April), with whom I have my whole life to spend. I now realize I didn’t need to be depressed for all the stuff that goes wrong in life because there are so many things that are going right. I know that Thanksgiving is the time when most people become more aware of what they are grateful for, but for me, Christmas serves this same purpose as well.
This Christmas holds a lot of meaning for me, after all, it is the last Christmas I will (hopefully) ever spend as a non-mother. It is also the first Christmas in years that I have spent quality time with my mother. I went and visited my parents for a long weekend this past week and we did so many things we were unable to do before, due to us always living so far apart. We shopped, bought stuff for the baby, ate lunch out, just the two of us. Mother and daughter type things. It was all really special and I can only hope that I am able to do this with my own daughter or son one day.
Tonight Charles and I spent Christmas Eve for the last time as just the two of us. Last year we were too dense to realize the midnight mass for Christmas Eve services don’t really start at midnight. This year, we went to services at a local church starting at 11:00. We sat next to a couple with a baby about 8 months old and though I really enjoyed the service and how special it all is for us this year, I have to admit that I watched the baby next to me and daydreamed a bit about how it will be for us a year from now.
I think most people have in life at least one very memorable Christmas. Memorable Christmases usually seem to involve a special gift that was received or given, a special person or a special event that dramatically affected the individual. My most memorable Christmas involved a very special event. To most people, it may not seem special but it certainly was to me.
I was probably no older than 9 or ten and it was Christmas Eve. My father was working a late shift that night. As an air traffic controller, my father worked a lot of odd hours, it was not unusual for him to be working either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. My mother and I had spent that evening wrapping last minute items, adding last minute decorations and generally enjoying our time together. Around 10:30 or ll:00 that night, we both started getting sleepy but neither of us wanted to go to bed. My mother suggested that she and I lay down on the couch in the den with all the lights out except the Christmas lights and that we could wait for my father to come home there. I remember the lights we had put on the trees outside were shining so brightly into our window and that we had a fire burning and that we were both very content. As we laid down together on the couch, my mother held me while we sort of dozed in and out of consciousness. I myself don’t really ever recall feeling that safe or that loved as I did that night with my mom. She probably doesn’t even remember any of this at all but for me, it was just one of those things that never left my memory and that I never want to forget. I couldn’t even tell you what gifts I received that year, but I can definitely remember what a wonderful Christmas Eve that was for me. I hope that one day I can have the same sort of experience with my own child.
On that note, I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, etc., full of wonderful and loving memories.
Love always,
Corinne and her baby
EDD 4-1-02
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