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April 10, 2003
I have been putting off writing journal entries because I finally got to the one that will be the hardest. It is almost 6 mths later and I still can't talk about it with out falling apart. Thank you for understanding and I will try my hardest to have it make sense.
So much has happen sense I last wrote to you. I almost stopped writing because I didn't want to write this entry. Somehow I have managed to get this far. I decided I enjoyed writing you and by stopping I was letting myself down. Something your Grandpa John would not have wanted. The last time I wrote to you was March 4th., little did I know that would be the longest day of my life. I still remember the day like it was yesterday.
I awoke early in the morning and wrote to you before any one got up. I made myself some breakfast. I was eating out on the porch watching the ocean when your papa awoke and joined me. We spent the morning lounging around and began packing up to head to the keys the next morning. It was around 11 am that we headed out to the mall and to get some lunch. We went to my favorite mall in Naples just so I could go to Kirkland's. I love that store! When we got to the mall we decided to eat first. We ate at Ruby Tuesdays. The food was pretty good but you can eat it just about anywhere. After eating we starting shopping. I bought a new blanket at Kirkland's and we found some fishy things for your nursery. I soon realized how tired I had become and we decided to leave. It was beautiful outside sunny and 87. Papa said no was could we go to the beach yet as it was only 2 pm and the sun was high and hot. I opted to go back to our condo and take a nap. Holly cow was I tired. I didn't realize how tired I was till after my nap. I slept for 3 hrs straight. Papa said he kept checking on me because he was worried that I wasn't okay. I was fine just really tired.
After waking from my nap and taking a shower we left for dinner and to shop at all the little stores on the beach. We found a ton of cute beachie items for your nursery. I can't wait till I can start it. We didn't stay out all that late as I still had laundry and packing to finish. When we got home Susan and Chris were packing their stuff. Papa sat down to watch one of his TV programs and I went to switch the laundry. That is when your grandma Dee called. Your papa answered the phone and told me it was mom. He continue talking to her so I just kept doing what I was doing waiting for him to tell me to pick up the phone. Before I realized he hadn't called for me he, he was standing in the doorway saying "honey we need to talk". I knew then something was seriously wrong.
I sat down on the bed and before he started saying anything he said remember you are pregnant. I wanted to say DAhhh, like I didn't know. Something in me told me he was way serious. Instead I said I will do my best to stay in control but what is it. He said your mom has some bad news. She has been holding off telling you girls because she wanted us to enjoy the vacation. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. Unfortunately she can't hold off any longer Todd said. That is when he put his hands around me and I felt my world caving. I so just wanted to run. Unfortunately I was like cement and I couldn't move a muscle. He continues to say that the doctors told them yesterday that his cancer was in his spinal fluid and there was nothing else they could do. They were going to get him comfortable and get his pain medicine at a level that was controlling all his pain and that was all they could do. He could then either come home on hospice or go to a nursing home.
Todd said that is when they asked if they should call us home and his doctor said that there was nothing we could do this week and it would probably be better to let us enjoy this week because starting next week it would be really hard. They told my parents he had 3-6 weeks to live depending on how fast the cancer progressed. They also said he would most likely be there the week and sent home early next week.
My parents at that time decided that we were to know nothing. The only reason why my mom changed her mind was because about 15 min. before calling us the hospital called concerned about fluid my dad was collecting in his lungs. The said if it continued he could develop pneumonia and pass within a day or so. That is when my mom knew she had to let us know. We all decided we wouldn't leave for the keys in the morning instead we would wait for my mom to call us at 8am after meeting with the doctors again. Most likely then we would head back home.
I sat on the bed thinking how in a matter of minutes my entire world seemed to just break into pieces. Todd finished doing the laundry, packing and cleaning up the condo. I just sat there in a trance.
It was around 11 when he said honey you need to get in bed. Tomorrow could be a long day with driving and you need your rest. I agreed with him and climbed into bed. The clock said 11:45 when I rolled over and closed my eyes. It seemed like I had just fallen asleep when I awoke at 1:55am in a panic attack. Papa kept trying to tell me everything was all right and to just go back to bed. He said your mom would have called if anything were different. I knew he was right, she would have called but I just couldn't stop. I finally looked at him with tears streaming down my face and said NO, something is wrong! I can't explain it, I could just feel it. He said to me honey you're freaking me out, calm down. I couldn't though. Just then the phone rung and Todd's face went white.
It was my mom. The hospital had called about 5 min. before and said my dad had taken a turn for the worse and that she should come up ASAP. She was waiting for my aunt and uncle to come pick her up. They were having a blizzard here at the time and the roads were a mess. After talking a short period my mom and I decided that my sister and I would fly home on the first available flight. I told her I would call her with flight info as soon as we knew it. I hung up and immediately started dialing airlines. I got my sister and I seats on the first flight out of Fort Myers. The plane left for Detroit at 7am. That was the earliest they offered. I called my mom right back with the info and she said my aunt and uncle had just gotten there and they were leaving. She wasn't sure who would pick us up but somebody would. I hung up the phone shaking.
I need to take a break, as this is a really hard entry. I will finish it next time. Thanks for understanding.
Dawn and Baby
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