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April 11, 2003
As I hung up the phone I felt a horrible emptiness inside me. I looked over to Todd and just started crying. So many thoughts were running through my head. I tried to lie back down but it was no use. I finally got down on my knees and just prayed. I asked for God to comfort my dad and be there for him through this journey. I told him I knew I wouldn't make it back home in time and that was okay as long as he would be with him. It was the longest talk I have ever had with God in my life. I am not sure when but sometime during my talk Todd got down next to me and was rubbing my back. I looked over at him and said thank you. I am okay, it's all over and my dad is at peace.
He tried so hard to convince me otherwise but when I was talking to God, this inner peace and tranquility came over me and I knew my dad was gone. I didn't need a phone call or anything to tell me otherwise. I felt it in my heart. It was 3:01 in the morning according to our clock and for the first time it truly felt like the world had stopped. Looking back, Todd didn't know what to do or say. He just kept trying to be positive and saying we would make it home. I finally just gave up trying to explain and said nothing.
Around 3:30 I decided to get in the shower. There was no way I could sleep. Not to mention I had to wake my sister up in 45 min. to tell her we were flying home and that I didn't know if we would make it in time. How do you tell a 19 year old this?
I knew in my heart it was over and that the next few days were going to be long so I had decided to let her sleep as long as possible. It was 4:15 before I knew it. I stood outside their door and took a long deep breath and then went in. I kept myself together and I think for her that is what really helped because she didn't panic. She said okay, when are we leaving? I told her we had to leave around 5:15 to go to the airport. She got up right away and started to get ready. I went back to our room to get myself ready.
Then it happened. The phone rang. It was 4:45 in the morning. I answered the phone and it was my mom. She said, "Dawn let me talk to Todd". I dropped the phone but luckily Todd was right there and caught it. I just fell back on the bed. Todd went into the hallway to talk with my mom. When he came back in he was crying. I just looked at him with tears streaming down my checks. He just held me as I cried and I said he's gone isn't he? Todd then took my face in his hands and said I love you more than anything... But yes your dad is our angel now. I don't remember much of the next 10 min., it is all a blur. What I remember next is having to go tell my sister. I just couldn't. How? What? I couldn't even talk.
Todd went in to tell Susan and I followed. She knew as soon as she saw his face and collapsed. Thank God Chris (Susan's boyfriend) was on one side and Todd on the other to catch her because she would have fallen on ceramic tile. For me that was the hardest part of it all was hearing and seeing my sister. Both her and my brother who was 16 at the time had never lost anyone close to them and for the first time to be their Dad. My sister somehow managed to get up and wanted to call my mom. I told her go ahead but, I didn't want to talk. She went out on to the lani and called my mom. I am not sure how my mom did it. As soon as my mom picked up the phone my sister began sobbing, moaning and yelling. It was only a few minutes into the conversation when my sister's voice got quieter and she sat down. Once again that is when I realized Todd was hugging me from behind and telling me he loved me.
The next few hours were such a blur. Somehow we got to the airport and got on the plane. I do remember one thing out of that whole time. When we were going through security and being checked the lady asked my sister and me why we had so much Kleenex. I told her our dad just passed this morning and we were flying back home. I don't think she believed us because she sent us through another security check. This one is were they go through everything and anything. I remember telling the lady who was going through my stuff, last time I checked Kleenex wasn't a weapon. She just gave me a look and continued going through all my stuff. I didn't really care though. They could go through anything and everything.
We made it back to Detroit with no problems and were pulling up in our driveway before I was ready. I was so scared to walk through the door.
I have no more tears left in me or energy to continue at this point. I will finish the rest in my next entry. Thank you for all your warm thoughts and support.
Dawn and Baby
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