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June 8, 2004
Today I had 3 Doctors appointments and I had to file my disability paperwork. Get this, not only is the first 7 days unpaid BUT also it is 3-4 weeks before I get my first check. As a single mom this is unacceptable and a royal pain in the ass. So after filing the paperwork at a Administrative Kaiser office way out in the middle of nowhere, I headed back to the hospital to go to radiology for an ultrasound, I lucked out and got someone who spent time with me and showed me all the body parts and took lots of photos for me but I suddenly became aware that I was on the verge of passing out from laying flat on my back for so long. After this appointment I headed up to another floor and did my non stress testing. After this one I headed to the other building and went to my midwife appointment, at this point It was around 2:45 or so and I left the house around 11:00 or so and had not eaten anything, I haven't slept in a week and I am just plain overworked so I started feeling teary. Then the nurse wants me to do a group B strep test which involves taking a Q-Tip type thing and putting it into both of my private areas, I believe that was the breaking point, I started crying and couldn't stop. The midwife thinks that I am crazy, over the edge, wacked, she actually gave me the number for the Kaiser Psyciatric Hotline for members in crisis. It is probably written in my chart that I am unstable!!!!!! I am so embarrased.
Being on disability really sucks, I feel as if I am working harder than before only now I get to watch a little more TV but sacrifice a paycheck for that luxury.
Roommate, fell through so I have convinced Marc to stay another month. But that in itself may kill me, I am not sure I can take another month of him. Maybe I need the crisis line afterall..........
Allie, still seems to be very excited, I taught her how to make a bottle and she didn't want to stop. She will make a wonderful mother one day and it is odd to me to realize that she is/will be more helpful with the baby than her father has ever been. I am so very proud of her. She is a better kid than I can describe and I hope she will always know how much joy she brings to me.
I am going to try and keep Allie here in Southern California while in labor and while I am in the hospital, I just don't want to send her over to my parents. They have still been so distant and haven't once asked what I could use or need. It is strange, I also heard from my sister that my mom said if I couldn't afford the baby she should adopt him. Ahhhhhhhhhh
I feel fat, unattractive and hot all the time. Shaving has become a challenge since my belly is all in one little ball area, I am not 100% sure but I am thinking that I am almost at that phase where I no longer can see my feet. 4.5 more weeks to go and I will be a normal person and not this crazy, emotional, wacky person I have become.
Talk to me,
Love Liz
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