So if I look up my little pregnancy calender I can see that today I am five weeks gestational, seven weeks LMP. Boy, time really flies, and I haven’t even booked for my first doctor’s appointment! It’ll have to be soon…

I’ve been very ambivalent about this pregnancy lately. I’ve talked to JK about my feelings and he seems to think it’s probably normal but right now I ’m not very happy about being pregnant. It feels like a major inconvenience I would rather do without. I’m not at all sure I would be a good mother. In fact, I feel rather selfish, like I’m not sure I want my lifestyle, my body, or my relationship with JK to change!

It’s a little disappointing, to be honest. I always fantasised about being the perfect pregnant woman - serene, blooming, tranquil and content, happy to have a secret world inside her, proud that her body had the power to create and nurture new life. Well, it was all just that, a fantasy! The reality is that most of the time it feels like a parasite has taken up residence inside me and is slowly taking over my body! Visions of the movie "Aliens" run through my brain. It’s a worry.

I suppose I’m trying to adjust to the fact that my body is not my own any more. I have greasy lank hair for the first time in my life; if I don’t eat every two hours I get the most severe hunger pains and am forced to eat (a lot) whether I want to or not; my breasts are so sore I can’t even sleep on my stomach; and sometimes I’m so tired I have to stop whatever I’m doing and put my feet up, like it or lump it. It’s strange, very, very strange. And difficult to embrace. I don’t know how women with morning sickness cope at all. I have great admiration for them. At least I’m not throwing up on top of all this - I’m just hungry and grumpy and tired.

Honestly, I am getting sick of all this eating. Every two hours seems a bit much to me. It’s all healthy food I’m eating - organic fruit and veggies, free range eggs, salad, rye bread, lean meat, brown rice, etc. - so I guess a lot of it is light and quickly digested - but I’m running out of ideas for healthy snacks. Just how many bowls of fruit and yoghurt can I be expected to eat in one day? And the force of the hunger pains if I don’t eat is really something. I’ll definitely check it out with my doctor when I see her. My pregnancy book doesn’t mention anything about severe hunger pains and having to eat every two hours. I was joking to JK the other day that this baby must be a real "guzzler" - first sign that it might be a boy - it seems to be sucking the food out of my tummy like a high-powered vacuum cleaner.

JK mentioned the other day that he’d like to start telling people that we are pregnant. He said he wanted to make it more "real." I totally flipped and said "no way!" The thought of telling people freaks me out. I really can ’t stand the thought of people fussing over me and I can’t stand the thought of having to act blissfully happy about being pregnant when I’m full of doubts and fears. No, I’m just not ready. I’ve still got so much to adjust to.

So while JK tells me he’s been quietly getting used to the idea that we’re going to have a baby, I’ve been quietly getting UNused to the idea…

The only thing that gives me any enthusiasm at the moment is the thought that this baby might be like JK. I love him so much I could easily love another just like him. I cling to this thought during my moments of ambivalence.

Until next time,
when hopefully this phase will have passed,
all the best with whatever you’re doing,
Eloise