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January 2, 2004
Greetings from New Motherland!
It's 5:00pm and I'm sitting here at the computer in my flannel PJs, yet to get dressed for the day. But at least I'm feeling well-rested. I was up with Aidan at 2am, 6am, 10am and at 2pm I got up for the day. That whole "sleep when the baby sleeps" line of advice works pretty well! At first, I was not napping and feeling quite edgy.......so now I nap. Live and learn! ;)
I love being a mom. Aidan is an incredibly sweet baby - he sleeps about 4 hours at a time, he eats well and when he's awake he just looks around the room, taking it all in. He grins these big, gummy grins when he's sleeping sometimes. The only time he gets fussy is when he gets gassy, which can be easily remedied by laying him on me and rubbing his back. He likes being held and seems most content when he can sleep in someone's arms.
I feel very content these days, like I've found the missing piece of the puzzle. I feel like my life's finally complete.
I'm also feeling a bit invincible these days. I've spent most of my adult years avoiding pregnancy and motherhood, mostly due to my fears of the medical unknown. Needles and epidurals and hospitals, oh my! In my early 20s, I was PETRIFIED of the idea of childbirth. I wondered if I'd ever be able to have kids. I never seriously considered it an option until I hit 26 - that's when I started reading these diaries, mainly as a way to desensitize myself to the act of childbirth and the pain and medical intervention involved. Now that I've gone through labor and had a complicated delivery (and come out of it healthy and with a healthy baby), I feel powerful. I've conquered a major fear of mine and I did it without throwing a tantrum or needing to be sedated. And yes, sadly enough, for me this is a feat! Ha!!! I've never in my life felt more alive or been more proud to be a woman. I am woman! I can procreate!!
Aidan had a weight check appointment on Tuesday and his weight is on the upswing again. He lost a little bit of weight after birth (which is common) but the pediatrician wanted to be sure his weight was going back up. He started out weighing 6 lbs., 15.5 ounces and when we left the hospital, he was at 6 lbs., 9 ounces. As of Tuesday, he's at 7 lbs, 5 ounces. Yay! I figured he had to be gaining weight since he's taking more formula and keeping it all down.
I had to see my OB on Wednesday for a 2 week post-partum appointment since I had complications. My blood pressure is still a little high at 131/95, so I still have to be a little bit careful with this. The doctor checked out my incision and said I'm healing nicely - that I'm about 50% healed. I feel great except for the occasional bout of fatigue, which seems to hit me all at once out of nowhere, but the doctor said this is normal.
I asked about going on the pill and the doctor said that he won't put me back on it until I'm 3 months post-partum since the pill simulates pregnancy in the body - and my body most definitely doesn't need to think it's pregnant right now after having pre-eclampsia. The good doctor recommended using condoms as birth control in the meantime, which made me laugh. I think instead I'll take to wearing a chastity belt and chaining Steve up outside each night for a few months. Much as I love Aidan, I'm in no hurry to give him a sibling.
I'm starting to feel myself these days with the exception of the occasional hormonal breakdown. I haven't had this much energy since before I was pregnant and my motivation to get back into shape and get organized are at an all-time high. Thank God. I was beginning to wonder if I was going to be an eternal slug!
On that subject, I'm down 25 pounds since delivering Aidan, which is pretty cool, but I still have 40 pounds to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. My appetite seems to be heading back to normal and I'm eating more like I used to - no beef jerky or middle-of-the-night pie binges. I'm allowed to take walks so long as they aren't strenuous and I'm not allowed to do any stomach exercises until after my 6-week post-partum OB appointment. My stomach is all jello-y so I'm ready to get busy on that! I asked my OB about doing exercises to strengthen my stomach muscles after being cut in the c-section, but he informed me that my stomach muscles WEREN'T cut - that this is a common misconception about c-sections. Yay!! I had heard that the stomach muscles are cut and that it's impossible to ever get rid of that belly "pooch" after a c-section. I'm so glad I was wrong!!!
As far as my recovery goes, my incision doesn't hurt at all, which is cool. I'm barely bleeding at all, which is VERY cool. And this is weird - my milk never came in - so no uncomfortable engorgement and drying up to deal with. I had debated all along about whether or not to breastfeed, but in the end, I didn't even get the choice. I'm not sure if it's because of all the drugs that were in my system right after delivery or if that's just me.....??
Steve and I are slowly adjusting to new parenthood. It's been hard for both of us at times........it was hardest for me in the first week when I was tired, still in pain from the incision and feeling completely worthless. Steve's breaking point has been more in the past week or so, when Aidan will get gassy in the middle of the night and keep waking up. Steve got all frustrated the other night and that got me upset. I've been getting up with Aidan during the night since I'm on maternity leave and Steve's back to work, so I was annoyed at Steve's frustration since he could go back to sleep. Steve felt bad about being frustrated and said he felt like a bad father for getting stressed, which I told him wasn't true........it's just hard in the beginning to adjust to how life is going to be now. We've both had nobody else to think about for 30 years - we've lived on our own and had our space when we want it, had silence when we want it, you name it. Now we have a little person who demands our attention at 4am and that takes some getting used to. With every day that passes, though, it's getting easier and I'm slowly getting us and our place organized. We Gen-Xers are so impatient!
Steve, much to his humility, is not only a good dad but a great dad. He spends time with Aidan once he's home from work and helps me out by doing things like cooking dinner or cleaning up the kitchen when he gets home from working all day. I think he just doesn't give himself enough credit some days. Getting frustrated or learning to adjust are normal - and I have my moments too, Lord knows!!
Sorry for the babbling........I'm off to make bottles and take care of my sick Steve!
Heather & Aidan, born 12/16/03
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