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April 29, 2003
*Carson is 13 days old*
This is going to be a guilt ridden, messed up entry but I really need to write a few things down to get them off of my chest. Don't hate me if nothing I write makes sense, I am in a strange place emotionally right now.
*Carson*
Carson is beautiful and the love of my life. I can't remember what life was like without him in it. he is wonderful. he is growing fast, I think, we have a pediatrician appointment tomorrow to make sure his weight is okay. He is only fussy sometimes, I will get to that later, and he loves to be held. He is a snuggler and I love to hold him.
*Me*
I am healing okay from the c-section. The pain is much better this week. I still hurt sometimes when I stand up or sit down too fast but have not needed to take anything stronger than ibuprofen in awhile.
I have the baby blues pretty bad right now and I cry alot. I can't get myself out of it and I think it may be becoming postpartum depression. I plan on seeing my MD soon if I don't start to come out of it. I love my son but can't look at him without crying.
My blues seem to revolve around two issues mostly: the fact that nothing went the way I "planned" for his birth, and breastfeeding (will talk about that later). I just have this horrible feeling that I am not a real woman because I couldn't have him "right" and because I can't feed him "right"...I know these feelings are irrational but I can't seem to get off of it. I have the greatest result from all of this and I am trying to remember that every moment.
*feeding*
I have made a decision, not a popular one, and I am feeling so guilty and like a huge failure. I have decided to stop breastfeeding and pumping and to feed Carson formula. I have searched my heart and feel that this is the right decision for our family. Eric is totally supportive of anything I decide, he just can't understand or appreciate the guilt I am feeling.
We were doing better for awhile but then the screaming started again last week. We have seen a lactation consultant 3 times and I have tried all of the suggestions, and suggestions from other people. My son has a very lazy suck and gets so upset because my letdown was slow. He would suck for a few seconds then scream, turn red, and spit up whatever he had gotten...then it was horrible to try to get him on again. It broke my heart every time I tried to feed him and I cried everytime. My nipples are also very flat so we were trying to use a nipple shield to pull them out (ouch).
I decided the other day to stop nursing and only pump milk and give him bottles. that worked for a few days but then I was getting so engorged and painful because he wasn't stimulating me or emptying me...I was also only getting about 1-1 1/2 oz as opposed to getting 3 when he was nursing also. the pumping was also getting really paiful and I felt like I was spending all of my time hooked up to a machine instead of enjoying time with my son.
After MUCH soul searching and guilt, I have decided to stop pumping and to change to formula. I am feeling like a failure but I believe that this is right for us. I really wanted to be able to breastfeed and give my son everything he should have in life, but I just can't do it (or rather, he can't do it)
Today I am in a lot of pain and really engorged...any suggestions to help dry up my milk and relieve the pain? the pain is making my decision so much harder to live with for now, I know it will go away, but today is really hard for me.
thanks for reading and for any suggestions. I know that this is not a popular decision and that many people believe that I should have tried longer and harder, but I was at my breaking point and finding myself feeling resentful of my son and myself. I know things will get better and I look forward to better times.
Jen and Carson
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