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March 22, 2003
Doctors…From Old to NEW!!!
This entry may be pretty long as there is much to tell!!! Before I even became pregnant I had decided to switch doctors. In order to understand some of the reasons why, I will explain some of the things I went through with my miscarriage.
Miscarriage
On the day I learned that my baby had no heartbeat (August 27th, 2001) Eddie and I sat in the cold chairs of Dr. W’s office. He looked grimly at us and said, “This is the hardest part of my job! I’m sorry but your baby did not have a heartbeat!” Eddie and I were in disbelief! I remember so many things running through my head like “I can’t believe it, this can’t be, what did I do wrong, I thought we were ‘safe’ after 12 weeks!” then… “Oh God, what has happened here” and I realized I had said this part out loud… “What happened?” Dr. W said “the baby only measured at 15 weeks 5 days”…BUT I WAS 20 WEEKS!!! I said “But we heard the heartbeat at 16weeks 5days!” He said, “The baby may have shrunk a little after death.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I remember feeling in complete and udder shock…then I heard something that took me out of my trance. It was my dear sweet husband…Eddie was crying. I stood up in front of him in his chair and he put his head on my tummy and with our arms around each other we cried. Dr. W gave us a moment to cry and hold each other…that was one of the nicest things he ever did. After we composed ourselves we asked what needed to be done next. Dr. W explained that a procedure could be done called a D&E. He said this would remove the pregnancy and leave no room for possible infection like a birth would. He said if my body miscarried naturally I would go through labor and have nothing to take home. He said he could do the surgery tomorrow and we could then move on with our lives. We were just told the most horrible news in the whole world and everything he said sounded right. He’s the doctor right? Doesn’t HE know best? So we went ahead and with the D&E the next day. We asked if he could find out the sex of the baby because this was very important to us. He simply said, “I’ll try.” (How come I didn’t believe him???)
Surgery
On the day of the surgery when it was all over, he came out and explained to Eddie and our parents that the procedure went well. I would bleed for a few days but everything should heal up just fine and I would see him for a follow up in a week or so. And “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you the sex of the baby.” Did that mean he tried to look or not? Did that mean he couldn’t tell? Did that mean he thought it was better if we didn’t know? What in the world is that supposed to mean? I’ll never know!
Follow Up Appointment
At my follow up appointment I had tons of questions for him! I even wrote them all down. I noticed on a couple of my appointment receipts there was a code on the bottom of them and it said “S(D.” I found out that this stood for “Size Smaller than Date.” So I asked him if the baby had always been smaller than how far along I was supposed to be and he tiptoed around the question and didn’t give a straight answer. I asked him if my next pregnancy would be “high risk” because of such a late miscarriage and he said I would be treated like any other pregnancy…One in Five chance of miscarrying. I asked if miscarriages are usually first pregnancies and he said no. I asked many many more questions and half of them I got answers and the other half I was more confused than when I first asked. The last thing he asked me before I left was “I’m sorry this has happened and I hope that you will tell me…do you feel comfortable with the way you were treated during your pregnancy and these last couple weeks?” I simply said, “Yes” although I had mixed feelings.
Discoveries
Later, after posting to my friends on the Due in January board and telling them the horrible news, an angel named Tori responded to my post. She invited me over to the TTC after MC board. I don’t think she realizes how much that meant to me on that day. I truly felt that God worked his magic through Tori and lead me to the MC board. I started posting there regularly. I grieved my loss and many others’ losses on this board. It was such comfort in knowing others who have been through this horrible event too! Some of the ladies also had 2nd trimester MCs and I was surprised when I read how some of them gave birth to their angels, and held them in their arms and found out their sex and had found closure a different way. I realized I could have also gone that route if my doctor had only informed me more of my choices. Who knows, I might have still made the same decision, the D&E, but now I will never know, because I didn’t feel like I had the choice and I don’t feel like my doctor was as informative as he should have been. I found myself feeling mad at him and disappointed. I wondered why tests weren’t done since I was so far along. I decided that I did not want to see a doctor I could not trust.
New pregnancy…still old doctor.
So, in December, I made an appointment with a new group of doctors recommended by my girlfriend Joan. There are only four of them so it is hard to get in. The first appointment they could give me was March 14th, 2002. I asked, “If I become pregnant before then can I move my appointment up?” and they said it might be possible. About 5-6 weeks later, I got my PLUS!! :) I called the new doctors and they said, “As long as the doctors fit you in within the first 12 weeks we can’t move up your appointment”. I was torn! I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait all the way till March 14th!!! So, I made a tuff decision. I went ahead and made an appointment with my old doctor, Dr. W, in the meantime to hold me over till March. I convinced myself that it wouldn’t be too bad, just try to get a sonogram and I’d feel better.
First Appointment (old doctor)
My first appointment with him was February 8th, 2002. Eddie and my mom went. I remember having lots more questions but I don’t remember getting any answers. Eddie left to get back to work as mom went in with me for the internal. (Incase you are wondering, Mom and I are best friends!!!) He told me my uterus felt soft like a new pregnancy should…then said that my cervix didn’t look as “blue tinged” as he would expect so I must only be around 5 weeks pregnant or so. I was thinking…why would you tell me this??? This is just going to scare me! Because I thought I was a little farther along. He set up a sonogram for 2 weeks later. He also told me that my complete blood count had come back on the “low” side but still didn’t give any explanation as to any problems this could cause. I walked out of his office and I was more scared then when I went in…I realized this was a common thing with this doctor.
Sonogram (old doctor)
On February 27th, 2002 I had my first sonogram with Dr. W. Eddie was there because he tries to go to all my visits. I told Dr. W that I didn’t want to see the baby on the screen UNLESS there was a heartbeat! I was just so nervous and scared and he had the nerve to say “Why?” Duh!!! Cause my last pregnancy ended in miscarriage you MORON!!! (I didn’t quite say THAT!). He started looking around on the screen and said out loud “Hmmm, looks like you might have a fibroid…” he was thinking OUT LOUD to himself and he said “Oh, wait a minute…” then “your uterus is shaped unusual…” then “oh, I see…” WHAT THE HECK WAS HE TRYING TO DO TO ME!!! WHAT THE HECK DID HE SEEE OR NOT SEEE! I was just about to go nuts when he said…there’s the baby and there’s the heartbeat! We were in Awe! It was so amazing to see this little baby on the screen who is still working on his/her legs and arms. They were only little buds but so incredibly adorable. The heartbeat was there and it was strong!!! Then the baby started doing a little dance for us. I was all giggly inside as the lower part of his/her torso moved back and forth like dancing to his/her own special song in there. It was an amazing moment. All the sudden I remembered what Dr. W said about my uterus and I said “So, is it shaped unusual or does it just look funny” and he said “everything’s fine, there’s a heartbeat” and I said “No, not the baby!!! The UTEROUS!” (DUH!!!) He said, “It’s just something we will watch!” Well what the heck is THAT supposed to mean…and why do we have to watch it. Again, I walked out of his office and I was more scared then when I went in!!! Playing over and over in my head…fibroid, unusual uterus, good heartbeat, fibroid, unusual uterus, unusual uterus, unusual uterus…I could only focus on the worst sounding words out of the bunch. As I struggled to remain positive and focus on the GOOD STUFF, I wondered how I’d get through the next two weeks till my first visit with my new doctors.
First Appointment, New Doctor!!!
First impressions…Eddie and I walked into Dr.G’s office and she said “Hi guys!! Congratulations!” As she shook our hands and we sat down. She said, “How are you doing?” I said I was a little disappointed because my old doctors hadn’t sent over my records yet and she said “Oh don’t worry we’ll get them.” I said, “Do you mind if I just give you some history?” She said, “Sure, go ahead”
I began with my history and asked questions along the way.
Questions and answers relating to my miscarriage were:
Question: I miscarried at 20 weeks and the baby measured at 16. The OLD doctor pretty much said, the only way to go was a D&E! Although I may have STILL chosen the D&E if given a choice...Shouldn't I have been given a CHOICE to deliver?
Answer: My new Doctor...A wonderful sweet woman...said...absolutely. If you were my patient at the time we would have discussed all the options and came to a decision that would be best for you. But to be honest, because your baby measured at 16 weeks I have seen where an induction may not work. Many women chose to deliver and the uterus doesn't respond to the induction and they have to end up with a D&E anyhow. So, overall, you may have ended up with the same outcome anyhow.
This made me feel better. I felt like she actually knew what she was talking about and really CARED about my feelings!!!
Question: My DH and I really wanted to know the sex of our baby. We were desperate to know. It was really important to us. But when the surgery was over the doctor said, "I'm sorry but I can't tell you". I wasn't sure if he was thinking it would be better if we didn't know or if he really COULDN'T TELL! Can you tell the sex of a baby that far along and after a D&E???
Answer: Yes, but there is only a 50/50 chance of being able to make out the girls and the boys at 16 weeks. Sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. I'm sure he may have tried and just couldn't tell. Now, if the baby measured more around 20 weeks (when you learned of the loss) there would be a much greater chance of finding out and if any testing was done.
Next question: That's another thing, he didn't do any tests. Do you think he should have, being that far along and everything?
Answer: Not necessarily. Only because those chromosomal tests can be extremely expensive. Anywhere from $600-$800! And almost all insurance companies will not cover them till there have been three losses in a row. BUT, patients can be offered the test and pay for it themselves and I have seen couples spend lots of money on these tests and STILL don't have any answers.
WOW, FINALLY someone who can answer my questions instead of walking around the question in circles and not answering it. I wish I knew why HE didn't tell me these things!!! But, I'm glad I found this doctor and SHE IS WONDERFUL!!!!
Next we talked about THIS PREGNANCY!!!
I told her that my OLD doctor had given me a sonogram and mentioned things like "Fibroids" and "Unusual Uterus" and she said... "See that picture of those three babies...those are my sister's triplets and she had fibroids and had no problems with them". They rarely cause miscarriage and have only cause one woman a problem in my 15 years of experience when the baby couldn't make it past the fibroid but then, we just had a c-section. One out of three women have fibroids and don't even know it! They are very common! Then she said the magic words "But don't worry, we'll take a look today!!!" :) :) :) AHHHHH!!!! Hearing those words made me soooo happy!!! So it was on to the sonogram room...
She brought DH and I in the room and left so I could change into (using her words) "the beautiful pink gown" they had for me. After the door closed I looked at DH and said "I'm so happy with her, I think I'm going to ....ahhhh and I started crying right there!" He held me close as I pulled myself back together and then I got changed. He said he was extremely happy with her too and glad I switched docs.
During the sonogram my NEW WONDERFUL SWEETHEART DOCTOR looked all around and found NO FIBROIDS!!! There is a portion of my uterus that seems a little "different" but this is how she explained it. Sometimes before you are pregnant a uterus looks like a ball with the two sides pushed in, like someone took their two fingers and pushed it in. These little pieces of tissue usually grow back into the wall of the uterus after you become pregnant and for me, only one side grew back in...but it's NOT A PROBLEM and she's seen it before and it WILL NOT EFFECT THE BABY!!! Then we saw him (not sure of the sex yet but will say "him" cause it's easier).
He was lying in a folded in half position. Like when babies lay on their backs and fold their legs up over them so they can suck on their feet...that's what he was doing :) And we saw his heartbeat...at 155!!! I asked if that is a "boy heart rate or girl heart rate" and she laughed and said "Those are old wives tales...you can't go off that, but do you want to find out?" I said isn't it too early? And she said "It is early but I can take a wild guess and we'll just see what happens :)" I said ok! She said "See that little thing right there...I think that is a boy part!!! BUT DONT PAINT ANYTHING YET!!! We'll wait and see as he/she grows!" HOW EXCITING!!!
I asked if he was moving any and she said nope he's asleep but we'll try to wake him up :) She just kept looking around showing us his face and legs and arms and spine etc. And eventually he woke up!! He was waving his arms and legs all over the place! At one point it looked like he was waving at us!!! :) She kept saying "He is soooo cute...he is soooo cute".
She said he was measuring bigger than my due date but she WOULD EXPECT THAT CAUSE ME AND DH ARE TALL!! LOL!!! :) :) I was 11w5d and he measured at 12w3d!!! Almost a week more!! So, I said "Oh, so does that mean he's already 'tall for his age?'" and she laughed and said "yep!" Isn't that the funniest thing!!! She said we need to aim for a long skinny baby :) She also noticed my FEET in the stirrups and said, "You have nice long feet" HAHA, I've never heard a doctor comment my feet before! I said "They're actually pretty big...size 10!" and she said, "In all my years of delivering babies, women with bigger feet deliver easier!!" WHAT??? LOL!!! TOO FUNNY!! I said "Well, DH has size 14 so this should be interesting"...There not going to say here comes the head!!! They’re going to say "HERE COMES THE FEET!!"
We were all done and I sat up and looked down at the machine making a funny noise and she said "I always get in trouble for running out of film...I love to take pictures"...SHE GAVE US NINE PICTURES!!!!!! Can you believe that???
It was such a wonderful visit. As I got dressed DH said, "Now THAT'S how doctors visits are SUPPOSED to be!!!" We were so happy! As we walked out I said "Are you on cloud nine like I am?" and he said, "Ohhh Yeah...we're going out to dinner tonight to celebrate!!!" :) :)
What an amazing day!!!
At that moment I felt the scale tip the other way…the happiness is finally starting to outweigh the scariness.
Today I am 12 weeks 6 days. The Extreme (and very reassuring) nauseous I have been experiencing since week 6 seems to be subsiding though which makes me nervous cause it was my way of knowing things seemed to be “working” in there. My BBs are still sore here and there but mostly that seems to have gone away a little too…now the soreness has turned to a strange itchy sensation…oh, and they grew!!! A whole cup size! Eddie is excited about that of course :) !!
Whew, This has turned out extremely long!! I promise the next entries wont be quite this long, I just had to bring everyone up to speed :)
((ALL SMILES))
Jessica and “BOB” (baby on board!)
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