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September 14, 2001
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I'm mentally and physically exhausted, and I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
I want for 10 minutes to be able to forget about everything that has happened. I want to not over hear coworkers talking about what should or should not happen in the future. I want to erase my memory, if only for 10 precious minutes, so I can believe that things will be okay, and unchanged. I don't care if this makes me a wimp, or anti-American.
I want to be able to comfort my 3 year old daughter when she wakes up at night crying because she is "afraid of the smoke". I want to drive by bus stops in the morning, and not see the streams of parents standing too close to their kids. They weren't there last week, and now they are everywhere.
I want to believe in the resiliency of the human race. I want to be able to echo the words of Anne Frank, "I still believe that people are really good at heart," without thinking it's a lie. I want to be able to look at the starlight at night, and wonder again about how many people have gazed heavenward, and contemplated it's beauty. How many generations, civilizations of people have seen the same thing I do? How many more will? And did anyone of them realize how fragile and fleeting we all are?
I want to be able to feel my belly, and not worry about the baby there. What kind of world she'll be coming into. I want to fill my brain with the mundane worries that most moms do - car seats and bottles and diaper bags. What I would give for 10 minutes of those worries now.
But I can't do any of these things. And I'm realizing this just now. And while the terror and horror of Tuesday still cling fresh in my mind, these every day things that I can't get back, are my losses. And I don't know how I can get them back.
heather r
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